Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Next appointment
In an hour's time we will spend another few minutes watching Edge on the screen. Measurements will be done, checks will be made and progress will be noted. That is all important stuff and, of course, it should be done but for me just watching will be sufficient. Watching a little life that has been created by us with help from upstairs. Watching a little life that has been entrusted to us for safekeeping.
Monday, 29 April 2013
Flying or Hiding
Part of me wants to run as fast as I can, open my arms as wide as I can until they hurt, leap and fly above the clouds. I want to sore and swoop. I want to dive and glide. I want to feel the sun on my skin and the pure cool air whoosh past my face. I want to fly faster than my thoughts and hear nothing but the air moving past me.
Part of me wants to go somewhere small and quiet and hide. Somewhere where my thoughts can't find me. Somewhere that is silent. Somewhere that is calm.
To hope for something and yet to have the fear of losing something you didn't even think was possible to have is still melting my brain!
Part of me wants to go somewhere small and quiet and hide. Somewhere where my thoughts can't find me. Somewhere that is silent. Somewhere that is calm.
To hope for something and yet to have the fear of losing something you didn't even think was possible to have is still melting my brain!
Eamon
This is Eamon.
We are looking after him for the next few months until we can hand him over when Edge is born.
He will stay with Edge as much as possible and probably have a few adventures of his own along the way.
We are looking after him for the next few months until we can hand him over when Edge is born.
He will stay with Edge as much as possible and probably have a few adventures of his own along the way.
Knowledge - Good or Bad
Last night we went to the hospital to be told nothing. We were told that it could be something but it might not be but there was nothing that could be done.
We have known about Edge for a week now and we are currently going through our biggest test.
Light brown spotting has occurred. It could be the beginning of a miscarriage. It could be the beginning of us having to say goodbye to Edge. It probably isn't and it is probably just a tiny discharge as a result of the internal scan we had on Thursday. The problem is that we don't know.
If you know something you don't need to trust because you know it already. When you aren't sure, or you don't know, you have to trust and hope. Trusting and hoping is hard when all you want is to know.
We have no reason to believe that anything is wrong but, then again, we have no frame of reference.
We have to hope and trust.
Edge is safe in Jo's womb. Edge is safe in the creators hands. We have to hope and trust.
This is one of those moments I wish I could fast forward but we are here and we are now and we must wait.
We must hope and trust.
We have known about Edge for a week now and we are currently going through our biggest test.
Light brown spotting has occurred. It could be the beginning of a miscarriage. It could be the beginning of us having to say goodbye to Edge. It probably isn't and it is probably just a tiny discharge as a result of the internal scan we had on Thursday. The problem is that we don't know.
If you know something you don't need to trust because you know it already. When you aren't sure, or you don't know, you have to trust and hope. Trusting and hoping is hard when all you want is to know.
We have no reason to believe that anything is wrong but, then again, we have no frame of reference.
We have to hope and trust.
Edge is safe in Jo's womb. Edge is safe in the creators hands. We have to hope and trust.
This is one of those moments I wish I could fast forward but we are here and we are now and we must wait.
We must hope and trust.
Knowledge - Good or Bad
Last night we went to the hospital to be told nothing. We were told that it could be something but it might not be but there was nothing that could be done.
We have known about Edge for a week now and we are currently going through our biggest test.
Light brown spotting has occurred. It could be the beginning of a miscarriage. It could be the beginning of us having to say goodbye to Edge. It probably isn't and it is probably just a tiny discharge as a result of the internal scan we had on Thursday. The problem is that we don't know.
If you know something you don't need to trust because you know it already. When you aren't sure, or you don't know, you have to trust and hope. Trusting and hoping is hard when all you want is to know.
We have no reason to believe that anything is wrong but, then again, we have no frame of reference.
We have to hope and trust.
Edge is safe in Jo's womb. Edge is safe in the creators hands. We have to hope and trust.
This is one of those moments I wish I could fast forward but we are here and we are now and we must wait.
We must hope and trust.
We have known about Edge for a week now and we are currently going through our biggest test.
Light brown spotting has occurred. It could be the beginning of a miscarriage. It could be the beginning of us having to say goodbye to Edge. It probably isn't and it is probably just a tiny discharge as a result of the internal scan we had on Thursday. The problem is that we don't know.
If you know something you don't need to trust because you know it already. When you aren't sure, or you don't know, you have to trust and hope. Trusting and hoping is hard when all you want is to know.
We have no reason to believe that anything is wrong but, then again, we have no frame of reference.
We have to hope and trust.
Edge is safe in Jo's womb. Edge is safe in the creators hands. We have to hope and trust.
This is one of those moments I wish I could fast forward but we are here and we are now and we must wait.
We must hope and trust.
A hard night
Jo has had a hard day today. Dull lower abdomen pain all day and a little spotting this evening. We called NHS direct who sent us for a 12:15am appointment with the on call doctor that told us if it was a miscarriage that we shouldn't worry as we could try again! Come on, is that really the best thing to say?
We are now back home, trying to relax, hoping and praying that its nothing, but fearing it could be something.
We are now back home, trying to relax, hoping and praying that its nothing, but fearing it could be something.
Sunday, 28 April 2013
This time last week......
How many times in the past have I thought it.
This time last week we were sitting on the beach, enjoying our holiday, going to the airport, etc etc
Well at the moment this is my 'this time last week'
This time last week at 12:45 Jo gad come back from the hospital and had called me upstairs. This time last week we found out we're expecting. This time last week we found out we were recipients of a miracle. This time last week we found out Jo is a mother to an olive sized miracle.
This time last week Martin Smith released God's Great Dance Floor.
This time last week we started learning about trust and hope and gifts.
This time last week our lives changed......
This time last week.
How amazing.
This time last week.
This time last week we were sitting on the beach, enjoying our holiday, going to the airport, etc etc
Well at the moment this is my 'this time last week'
This time last week at 12:45 Jo gad come back from the hospital and had called me upstairs. This time last week we found out we're expecting. This time last week we found out we were recipients of a miracle. This time last week we found out Jo is a mother to an olive sized miracle.
This time last week Martin Smith released God's Great Dance Floor.
This time last week we started learning about trust and hope and gifts.
This time last week our lives changed......
This time last week.
How amazing.
This time last week.
Saturday, 27 April 2013
This is serious now.....
This really is serious. At precisely 19:15 this evening Jo removed her belly button piercing. She has had that for a little over 11 1/2 years so its quite something for it to be removed!
My thoughts...at last ;-)
I guess it is about time I write something down. Richard tells me I should or I will forget how I am feeling!
How am I feeling...? I'm not sure I can put it in words, maybe that is why I haven't until now. Physically, one moment I feel fine, the next I feel really icky! Finding out I'm pregnant was not the answer I was expecting to all those times over recent weeks when I have wondered what was wrong with me.
For many weeks I have been physically exhausted to a degree I have never experienced. I kept saying to Richard 'I just don't feel right'. I had tummy cramps and a sickness bug. I was sooo hungry all the time...more so than is typical for me!
Now I get dizzy if I get up too quickly, my heart bangs if I just walk up the stairs, I get indigestion if I eat a full meal, I am a bit queasy sometimes and still shattered! But now I know why and I don't mind any of these things. Now I know why, despite dieting, my tummy wouldn't go down. I am happy to see and feel my little round tummy. And I am happy to feel tired and poorly because the most amazing and unbelievable thing has happened. I am going to be a mum and I will do and experience whatever it takes to keep our little one safe and well.
How am I feeling...? I'm not sure I can put it in words, maybe that is why I haven't until now. Physically, one moment I feel fine, the next I feel really icky! Finding out I'm pregnant was not the answer I was expecting to all those times over recent weeks when I have wondered what was wrong with me.
For many weeks I have been physically exhausted to a degree I have never experienced. I kept saying to Richard 'I just don't feel right'. I had tummy cramps and a sickness bug. I was sooo hungry all the time...more so than is typical for me!
Now I get dizzy if I get up too quickly, my heart bangs if I just walk up the stairs, I get indigestion if I eat a full meal, I am a bit queasy sometimes and still shattered! But now I know why and I don't mind any of these things. Now I know why, despite dieting, my tummy wouldn't go down. I am happy to see and feel my little round tummy. And I am happy to feel tired and poorly because the most amazing and unbelievable thing has happened. I am going to be a mum and I will do and experience whatever it takes to keep our little one safe and well.
Thursday, 25 April 2013
This really is happening :-)
Results from a lovely afternoon in London and a private scan;
Heartbeat - check
2 Legs - check
2 arms - check
Fingers & Toes - check
Tears - check
Kicking and moving - check
Unbridled happiness - check
Conclusion: all good with us
This really is real!
This really is happening!
Thank you
Heartbeat - check
2 Legs - check
2 arms - check
Fingers & Toes - check
Tears - check
Kicking and moving - check
Unbridled happiness - check
Conclusion: all good with us
This really is real!
This really is happening!
Thank you
Couldn't Wait
I spoke to the midwife those morning. Her name is Eileen. It looks like we won't see her until next Thursday but she would prefer to see us sooner.
Days seem to be taking forever to pass but, then again, I want to be here today and not wish them away.
We have succumbed to the temptation of paying for a scan today. Currently we are on the train heading up to London. London was the only place we could have an appointment today.
So how do we feel. How do I feel. Mostly I am confident and calm. That is only a feeling that has risen in the last day or so.
This baby is a miracle. Our little prune is causing ripples in a pond beyond any that I could imagine. And yet I am calm. I was not aware of our miracle prior to Sunday so we are not at this point from the efforts of me worrying so it is fairly safe to say that worrying from now on isn't going to help. Easier said than done though!
I am also confident. This is a miracle. This is an awakening. This is the start of something huge. Our little prune has caused a ball to start rolling. I have no idea where we are going yet. My mother in law knew this would happen. She knew because she heard a voice telling her that Jo would have a baby. Maybe I have been so busy trying that I haven't spent enough time listening.
There is a calmness and confidence, but I would be lying if I said there weren't butterflies occasionally flapping their wings inside me.
It's now 1:41pm. We are almost at St. Pancras. In an hour and a half we have our scan. Butterflies are flapping a little bit more now!
Days seem to be taking forever to pass but, then again, I want to be here today and not wish them away.
We have succumbed to the temptation of paying for a scan today. Currently we are on the train heading up to London. London was the only place we could have an appointment today.
So how do we feel. How do I feel. Mostly I am confident and calm. That is only a feeling that has risen in the last day or so.
This baby is a miracle. Our little prune is causing ripples in a pond beyond any that I could imagine. And yet I am calm. I was not aware of our miracle prior to Sunday so we are not at this point from the efforts of me worrying so it is fairly safe to say that worrying from now on isn't going to help. Easier said than done though!
I am also confident. This is a miracle. This is an awakening. This is the start of something huge. Our little prune has caused a ball to start rolling. I have no idea where we are going yet. My mother in law knew this would happen. She knew because she heard a voice telling her that Jo would have a baby. Maybe I have been so busy trying that I haven't spent enough time listening.
There is a calmness and confidence, but I would be lying if I said there weren't butterflies occasionally flapping their wings inside me.
It's now 1:41pm. We are almost at St. Pancras. In an hour and a half we have our scan. Butterflies are flapping a little bit more now!
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
A Nut, an Olive and a Mustard Seed
Someone much cleverer than me once said that if you have faith the size if a mustard seed you could move a mountain.
I heard Bear Grylls once say that a great oak tree is only a little nut that held its ground.
Our precious little one is only the size of an olive at the moment but quickly growing to the size of a prune.
Lessons in life, challenges in life, and changes in life may only be caused by something very small, but the lessons and consequences can be huge.
We have only known about our little olive since Sunday but I am becoming more and more convinced that this is the start of something huge. Not sure what yet but I feel the olive, the nut and the mustard seed are planning something big and I am pretty sure they are being helped!
I heard Bear Grylls once say that a great oak tree is only a little nut that held its ground.
Our precious little one is only the size of an olive at the moment but quickly growing to the size of a prune.
Lessons in life, challenges in life, and changes in life may only be caused by something very small, but the lessons and consequences can be huge.
We have only known about our little olive since Sunday but I am becoming more and more convinced that this is the start of something huge. Not sure what yet but I feel the olive, the nut and the mustard seed are planning something big and I am pretty sure they are being helped!
Where I Am
Where I Am
Here in this place
Here in this silence
This is where I am
Can you find me?
Where I am
Here in this time
Here in this place
This where I am
Will you find me?
Where I am
If I can't see you
If I can't hear you
If I can't find you
Will you find me?
Where I am
If I can't search for you
If I can't talk to you
If I can't walk to you
Will you come to me?
Where I am
If this is real
If this truth
If this is forever
Will you show me?
Where I am
Will you hold me
Will you carry me
Will you lift me
From where I am
To where you are
Here in this place
Here in this silence
This is where I am
Can you find me?
Where I am
Here in this time
Here in this place
This where I am
Will you find me?
Where I am
If I can't see you
If I can't hear you
If I can't find you
Will you find me?
Where I am
If I can't search for you
If I can't talk to you
If I can't walk to you
Will you come to me?
Where I am
If this is real
If this truth
If this is forever
Will you show me?
Where I am
Will you hold me
Will you carry me
Will you lift me
From where I am
To where you are
Awake at 4:30am
Last night I was awake at 4:30am. Mind was going a zillion miles an hour. Trying to slow it down or power it down was nigh on impossible.
Jo was awake as well. I guess it's all preparation for what's to come.
I must have dozed off again and I'm glad I don't have an early appointment today as I would have missed it.
Jo was awake as well. I guess it's all preparation for what's to come.
I must have dozed off again and I'm glad I don't have an early appointment today as I would have missed it.
Tuesday, 23 April 2013
Faith, Hope, Trust & Love
The feeling of being the male half of a new pregnancy is quite confusing.
On the one hand there is the 'job well done boys,' 'nice one,' and all of the other comments one can make. But on the other hand you have to start being drawn into an interactive spectator event of which you can do very little but climb the mountains, walk through the valleys, and generally be by your pregnant lover's side.
You have to trust that all is well. You have to trust her and her intuition. You have to trust the doctors and midwives. You have to trust the scans. You have to trust the silence between appointments. Basically you have to do a lot of trusting.
You have to hope that everything is moving along as it should. You have to have faith some would say. You have to love in a way that is new.
Jo and I are very happily married. She is my best friend, the one I love being with, whether doing something, or doing nothing. Jo is the one I love travelling with exploring with, adventuring with. And now this.....being pregnant. It is, by far, our biggest adventure and one that is challenging the very core of my foundations of some small words that have big meaning.
Faith - the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of that which cannot be seen
Hope - a strong and confident expectation
Love - a purposeful commitment to sacrificial action for another
Trust - a reliance or resting of the mind on the integrity, veracity, justice, friendship or other sound principle of another person
If it really is true that faith can move mountains, and that faith is as defined above then we are here today not through my faith.
If real hope is as defined above, then we are here today not through my hope.
If love is as defined above then I can, without hesitation, say I love Jo.
If trust is as defined above then I can say, without hesitation, I trust Jo.
Several weeks ago, while driving to Brighton, I asked myself, while on the M20 where the trains run next to the road, 'is this it, or is there something more?' Did I expect an answer? Did I ask anyone in particular (I was alone in the car at the time.) Did I expect an answer?
I have been given an answer. The little soul inside Jo will grow from the size of an olive to a prune this week safe in the all encompassing protection and loving care from Jo. That little olive is my answer. That little olive is my challenge to find a hope and faith that is real, strong and sound.
As for love, there is no shortage......
On the one hand there is the 'job well done boys,' 'nice one,' and all of the other comments one can make. But on the other hand you have to start being drawn into an interactive spectator event of which you can do very little but climb the mountains, walk through the valleys, and generally be by your pregnant lover's side.
You have to trust that all is well. You have to trust her and her intuition. You have to trust the doctors and midwives. You have to trust the scans. You have to trust the silence between appointments. Basically you have to do a lot of trusting.
You have to hope that everything is moving along as it should. You have to have faith some would say. You have to love in a way that is new.
Jo and I are very happily married. She is my best friend, the one I love being with, whether doing something, or doing nothing. Jo is the one I love travelling with exploring with, adventuring with. And now this.....being pregnant. It is, by far, our biggest adventure and one that is challenging the very core of my foundations of some small words that have big meaning.
Faith - the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of that which cannot be seen
Hope - a strong and confident expectation
Love - a purposeful commitment to sacrificial action for another
Trust - a reliance or resting of the mind on the integrity, veracity, justice, friendship or other sound principle of another person
If it really is true that faith can move mountains, and that faith is as defined above then we are here today not through my faith.
If real hope is as defined above, then we are here today not through my hope.
If love is as defined above then I can, without hesitation, say I love Jo.
If trust is as defined above then I can say, without hesitation, I trust Jo.
Several weeks ago, while driving to Brighton, I asked myself, while on the M20 where the trains run next to the road, 'is this it, or is there something more?' Did I expect an answer? Did I ask anyone in particular (I was alone in the car at the time.) Did I expect an answer?
I have been given an answer. The little soul inside Jo will grow from the size of an olive to a prune this week safe in the all encompassing protection and loving care from Jo. That little olive is my answer. That little olive is my challenge to find a hope and faith that is real, strong and sound.
As for love, there is no shortage......
Monday, 22 April 2013
Here we go.........
Yesterday life changed a little. Jo found out she is pregnant. We are pregnant! Wow!
How does this happen to us? Seven years ago we tried IVF. It didn't work. It took a lot out of us. We decided not to do IVF again. We decided that 'what will be, will be.' We thought that meant we wouldn't have children together.
Now that seems to have changed. Yes, we are older. Yes we are more at risk. Yes there is a higher chance that it might not all go according to plan. But how do you deal with that. Do you spend your time fearing the worst, or hoping for the best. Well I know we can deal with bad news. Goodness knows we have had enough practice. So I am going to hope for the best, and until I am told otherwise I am hoping and I am enjoying.
Today we start week 10. We only found out yesterday so today we must start finding out what we need to find out. Midwives, plans, tablets, diet, health, and a meal out to celebrate.
Sunday, 21 April 2013
Oh my goodness!
Jo went for a check up today. I stayed at home with Josh. We were getting the bikes ready for going cycling. Jo got back early and I hadn't finished getting the bikes ready or preparing the bagels for lunch.
Jo went upstairs to change and a moment later called me upstairs. She was standing in the bedroom, tears in her eyes. She had a piece of the paper in her hand and a scan print out.
All she managed to say was 'I'm pregnant'
Nothing more to be said really. That one statement changed our lives there and then!
Jo saw and heard the heart beat on the scan. We still did a pregnancy test later on just so that we had one that was different to all the others that we had done.
Jo went upstairs to change and a moment later called me upstairs. She was standing in the bedroom, tears in her eyes. She had a piece of the paper in her hand and a scan print out.
All she managed to say was 'I'm pregnant'
Nothing more to be said really. That one statement changed our lives there and then!
Jo saw and heard the heart beat on the scan. We still did a pregnancy test later on just so that we had one that was different to all the others that we had done.
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